I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Randomize
