Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
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