I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
