He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
