I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
