i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
