Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
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