Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Randomize
