he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
