i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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