"it" just moved
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Randomize
