Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
the gays at disneyland are vicious
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
