I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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