she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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