Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Guys are so much hotter at OU. Come my mating season, I am flying south like the geese in the wintertime.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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