bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
