If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Randomize
