So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
