In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
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