So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Randomize
