I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
