You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
