I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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