if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Randomize
