oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I don't get it.
Me neither.
But I masturbated to it anyway.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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