You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
