He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
