is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Randomize
