My balls are so social today.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
