cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
