fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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