When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
