Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
