just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Randomize
