as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
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