I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
