If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Randomize
