I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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