Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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