ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
