Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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