Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Randomize
