Where is the hickey?
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
