i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
