remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
