the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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