You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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