Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I FOUND THE LEGS
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
