have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
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