i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
