Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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