i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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