she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
