The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
